My Word for 2008

Mandy had found another challenge about choosing a word of the year for yourself and her word for 2008 was "free." I'm been meaning to blog about this because I had decided that my word was going to be "real" but I haven't had a chance to. For me, putting myself out here in the webosphere is a way for me to be real because I'm not hiding anything and am trying to be transparent. I had removed some posts lately because, to be honest, there were some things in them that were spiteful. One of my MySpace friends have this quote on their page and I feel it's appropriate. "Never say sorry for saying how you feel, because that's like apologizing for being real." I am sorry for the spiteful things I said but not for expressing my brokenness about the whole situation. When I get a chance to revise them, the posts are coming back up without the innuendos and allegations. I will be focusing on how what's been happening made me feel.

This wasn't the way I had originally meant to announce my word but I need to address some things that have been posted about me in another forum here on my blog because this is where I express my feelings. None of the posts on this other forum belong to me and I am not even going to link to the forum at this point because it's foolishness. I have however pulled quotes from one person over there that has been bashing me.

To the young lady who has so feverishly tried to ruin the "gift" God has given to WCCC I have one thing to say..."Please stop. You are hurting others and making yourself look foolish". On one of your blogs that has since been removed (I believe) you said "Speak Lord for your servant is listening" I refuse to believe that God is telling you to be a destructive gossip, so you may want to rethink that one. Just some friendly advice.....

FYI, as well (Jennifer Franks) I am the one that tipped off the leadership about what you were blogging on your personal sight. I find it appalling that you were on stage with a mic in your hand leading worship music with a worship director you were stabbing in the back on the internet. I also noticed that you ONLY posted comments (which was all of one)that supported your nausiating cause. I for one am sick of trying to defend "the word of God" to an individual or a small groupie clan who obviously only read the cliff notes!!! If you hate the leadership so much why are you still there? Do you enjoy being miserable? Please GROW UP AND GET OVER IT!!!!

My Timeline of Events:
October 17 - Brian "resigns"
November 15th? - Met w/Ted to discuss concerns and the future of the worship arts ministry
November 18th - Sang w/Mark
November 25th - Was to Sing w/Vic
December 2nd - Emailed Ted w/follow-up meeting concerns, Waiting for official leadership response
January 8th? - Brian speaks, Still waiting for official leadership response
January 20th - Sang w/Paula
February 2nd - Began blogging my frustration after ~79 days of no official leadership response
February 3rd - Sang w/Phil
February 5th - Began blogging the more "controversial" and "backstabbing" stuff
February 10th - Pulled down my blog posts after meeting with senior leadership
February 12th - Resigned from worship team


While I am not happy with choices the leadership have made recently, I do LOVE the people of WCCC. No, I don't enjoy being miserable but I believe in honoring my commitments. I had/have commitments to serve on worship team, lead the MOPS group, and handle most things internet for the church offices. Mike has also felt commited to stay because of his involvement as leader of adopt-a-highway and being a greeter.

For my involvement in the worship ministry, do you have any idea how hard is for me every time anyone asks me why I'm not up on the platform singing anymore? What kind of response can I give that's not injurious to the church body and without being a "destructive gossip"? I have served on worship team three times since October 17th, once w/Mark, once w/Paula and once w/Phil. I was to serve a fourth time w/Vic but that was the weekend Bryce got hurt and I was caring for the kids. I LOVE singing and still do. But after speaking with Brian, whenever I was on the platform I felt like a such a pretender, trying to be happy but not, which is why I resigned. How could I lead others when I was in such a state of disarray. I do wish to point out that at no point did I serve on worship team after writing my "backstabbing" blogs.

As for MOPS, I have stated in previous blogs that MOPS is one of the reasons that I haven't left WCCC yet. My obligation to them is through May. As it currently stands, there is no one to take over my coordinator position. Being coordinator and how the church Constitution is written, I am actually considered a Deacon watching over the mothers in my care and I feel that I am failing them. I don't like failing them. I have been in discussions with MOPS about changing our charter from the classic MOPS to MOPS@ which will make it easier on future coordinators.

And as far as being internet coordinator for the church, I am currently working on compiling all the knowledge that I can into one place for Diane to reference, but that's not an easy task.

I could just up and say screw you all, but that's not me. It never has been. My friends who have known me the longest know that I don't get all upset and emotional for no reason. I have always been the logical one. The one who thinks through everything first. The one they come to with their problems. One longtime friend who I had read my blog posts before talking with her was shocked for she knows me and my character. I have recently come back into contact with a couple other friends from my youth who are going to be really confused when they read this. I want to get back to the faith of my youth...the faith I see in Ben...the faith that even though Mommy kisses a boo-boo, it's still God that made it feel better...I'm not sure it's possible at WCCC.

And still, I can find song to be the soundtrack for my life. :)

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.